In today’s society, all these good manners found in one man is rare, says the 27-year-old Westland resident. In fact, this one is showing so many signs of civility that her friends are hinting that he may be a keeper.

“Before, I found guys who were more concerned with themselves,” she says. “They didn’t think of me, only themselves. And they certainly didn’t open doors.”

Bea Fisher is 30 years older than Ignash and she has similar sentiments.

“They don’t know what to do to make a woman feel nice,” says the 57-year-old Detroiter. “But we did it to ourselves. We have gotten so liberated. Maybe we got a little too liberated. Now, we want some love and tenderness.”

Women such as Ignash and Fisher acknowledge they want their mates to open doors, pull out chairs, walk them out and protect them. Trouble is, because the rules seem to have changed with the feminist movement of 30 years ago, modern men have become confused about how to treat a lady.

Go ahead men, feel free to open doors for women, stand when they enter the room, and help with their coats, etiquette experts say. Old-fashioned manners and time-honored traditions are back in vogue.
 

“If you are unsure about what to do, skew a little bit formal,” says “Mr. Social Grace” Charles Purdy, a San Francisco-based columnist and author.

“That is, hold doors open. If you are at a restaurant, let the woman have the better seat with the better view.”

Purdy, who wrote “Urban Etiquette: Marvelous Manners for the Modern Metropolis” (Wildcat Canyon Press, $14.95), says the focus on manners is a reaction to the social upheaval that took place during the 1960s and 1970s. Americans experienced a social revolution that shattered institutional racism, sexism and classism. The country became a more individualistic society, where people were encouraged to do and say what they felt.

“At the same time, we were battling all those evils,” Purdy says, “we threw out the baby with the bath water. People said the whole society needed to be chucked, but really only certain aspects of it needed to be chucked. People (today) are realizing how important true good manners were and are seeking for a way to return to that behavior.”

John Bolger of Dearborn pulled out all the stops when he began dating Srujana Gali, also of Dearborn. Now, they are getting married Sunday after dating for about 18 months.

“I’m a door holder,” says the 36-year-old, puffing out his chest. “I put gas in the car so she won’t have to.”

But that’s not all, chimes Gali, 26.

“He writes little thank-you notes,” she says. “He pulls out the chairs and holds the car door until I get in. He’s just a good guy.”

Jesse Hollaway believes in opening doors for his dates. If he really likes her, he presents her with flowers and he works on his originality.
 

But the 27-year-old Farmington resident says he gets tripped up on the rules for modern men.

“She calls me and asks me to go to the show. Why do I have to pay?” Hollaway says. “Do I have to pay for her babysitter? Those are not my kids. Is that wrong if I don’t want to pay?

“I’m on my way over. I call and say ‘I’m at the store’ and ask would she like something. She says a pack of cigarettes. Should I ask for my money back when I get there? I don’t smoke.”

Men are confused because women have confused them, says Detroit radio personality Frankie Darcell of WMXD-FM (92.3). She says men and women need to redefine their roles for today’s society.

“I live to have doors opened for me, but I’m way past who opens the door because that’s a requirement,” says Darcell, author of the self-published book “Conversations for Sistas Only: A Comical Yet Serious Look at the Stuff We ‘Gossip’ About.”

“I’m down to who should order the drink and the meal. He should. I want to be led by him spiritually and in every other manner. Women have to learn to concede to that.”

Look at it this way: if a guy tells a woman she’s special by the way he treats her, he’ll always win. He displays that he not only has respect for her, but also for himself, says Peter Post, great grandson of etiquette maven Emily Post and author of “Essential Manners for Men” (Harper Collins, $19.95).

“A lot of women still like the little niceties: holding a chair, holding a coat, standing when somebody leaves the table,” he says. “All the niceties make people feel good, especially the woman you are with. And there is nothing wrong with that.”
 

Post, who runs the Emily Post Institute in Burlington, Vt., which offers etiquette advice and information on manners, says women should cut men some slack if he shows potential.

“You’ve got to pick your battles in life,” he says. “If you make a big issue about it, he may stop coming around. You have to learn to be subtle about letting him know what you like and how you prefer things.”

Post offers this example: “Oh, look at those roses. They are so beautiful. I just love putting a single rose in a vase.”

However, it is rude to point out someone else’s rudeness, Post says.

“You can’t force a person to change. You can decide whether or not you want to associate with them.”

These manners don’t just apply to single men, says Dorothea Johnson, founder and director of the Protocol School of Washington and author of “The Little Book of Etiquette” (Running Press, $4.95).

“If a man acts like a gentleman, the woman he is with will act like a lady,” she says. “Kindness gets kindness and civility gets civility. You get out of it what you put in it.”

So Mike Teftsis of Grosse Pointe Farms says he does all he can to please his wife. Yet, he recognizes that he’s not so great at always opening doors or buying flowers more than two or three times annually.

His stay-at-home wife wants him to kiss her goodbye each time he leaves the house. He occasionally falls down on that one too. The owner of Astoria Pastry Shop says he makes up for it by taking his wife on trips to Italy, Greece and France and showering her with jewelry.
 

“In ancient Greece, the men treated their women very well, but sometimes they didn’t treat them so well,” he says. “Today, some things have changed for the better and some things have changed for the worse.”

Chivalry to one woman may mean something entirely to another, says Sykea Davis of Detroit.

Her life changed shortly before she met her fiance, John B. Gray. She learned that she was pregnant, but didn’t tell him until two months into the relationship.

Gray stepped in and became a father to her son, now 3. He also became a father to her older sons, 7 and 10.

For her, helping with homework and walking them to school are more important than holding a door. So, if she gets there first, she holds the doors for him.

“Him stepping in and being a father to my child,” she says, “that’s being a gentleman to me.”

©Detroit News